It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Send help, water and tortillas.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
