you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
