I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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