1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
