Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
