This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
