I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
