Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
