i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
