if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
