dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
