How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
