TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
