I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
