haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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