i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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