just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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