her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
