I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
