What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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