And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
