then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
