Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
