Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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