I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
where are my eyebrows?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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