paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
