When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Im part way to drunk.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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