it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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