he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
