We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
