I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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