you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
