You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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