Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
