im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
