20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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