Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
