If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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