Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
