my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
