ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
