Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
