Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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