can we get nightvision for the apartment?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
