how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
