If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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