ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
