I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
