Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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