I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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